What is Bullying Really?

I was told something recently by a very proud mother (and she had reason to be proud).  I was at our local Middle school and I had an opportunity to get to know some of the sweet personalities that are coming from elementary school to the Middle school world.  Some of the parents came by themselves and some were accompanied by their child.  Either way it was a great experience and I am so glad to see that we have a great group coming to our School. 

While meeting them I started talking with a mom and asked her about her daughter.  With pride in her eyes she started telling me about her daughter’s sweetness.  Without any prompting this little girl created a club.  This wasn’t a typical club; I think it was called the “Lonely-Loners Club”.  As members of this club they would look for random kids around the playground (no matter what grade) that didn’t have anyone to play with and they would get them to play with them.  What a sweet idea!  Instead of these girls being so focused on themselves they stepped outside of themselves and thought of others but didn’t enable them, instead they empowered them.  They showed them the tools required to learn and know how to be social.

I have been frustrated with the amount of focus that goes on in regards to bullying.  There are so many presentations on this subject being given that the message is getting confusing for kids.  Kids are feeling like they are being bullied when it is normal elementary school behavior.  Kids are feeling like they need to be valiant and stand up against rudeness, but what they don’t realize is that they are being rude in the process.  I think at times that we have forgotten that social learning is part of the elementary school behavior.  We can’t save our kids from the pains of that learning curve.  And at times we need to realize that we cannot control the actions of others; the only thing that we have some control over is our personal children and the way they behave or respond.  It is more simple than we make it… treat others with kindness.  

I have been accused of being un-understanding in regards to this topic because “I haven’t had a child that has been a target of bullying behavior”. To that I say, you are very wrong!  My first experience was when my son was in Kindergarten and he was punched by a 6^th grader at the bus stop.  At first I had steam coming out my ears in regards to the situation, but once the steam had finally settled, I felt strongly that I needed to go out to the bus stop.  Upon my daily visits to the bus stop I noticed that this 6^th grader always had the book “A light in the Attic”, by Shel Silverstein.  I mentioned to this boy that I loved that book and I actually memorized one of the poems in there when I was in 6^th grade.  This dialog opened a door to this boy that was so important for my kindergartener to see.  Every day that I went to that bus stop the three of us would chat.  I found out that he was being raised by a single mom; that he had some learning challenges and other hardships that he was dealing with.  My son and this boy became friends because of the insight that was now there.

But that story isn’t the only exposer to bullying that we have experienced in this home.  That is just one of many.  We can’t pad our children up to protect them from the bumps and bruises of the world.  We can’t follow our children around and be there protector every minute of every day.  If we did we wouldn’t be producing the right kind of adult.  We need to teach them how to cope; how to react; how to problem solve, and yes, at times this can be painful.  A side note to this is, at what point did the teachers become the enemy?  These problem solving skills in trying to learn to communicate with them in a respectful way is part of that; because in the end it produces greatness.  We need to empower them with what we know that they are capable of.  We are their biggest cheerleaders and they need to know it. 

I am taking a pretty drastic stand on this topic and I know that there are much worse bullying situations in which parents have to and need to get involved, so I hope that I am not misunderstood, but I don’t feel like because of these loud few that are causing problems at the school that the whole school should pay the price.  I have decided to "opt-out" of these “moral” lessons.  I am teaching it in my home and I don’t want the school confusing that which I am trying to instill in my children.  I send my children school to learn math, English, social studies, and science, and that is what I want.  So yes, like it or don’t like it; but it is what I’m doing.

Teacher's... Life's Best Medicine

At times things that my children go through cause me to reflect back upon my own experience.  Everyone, I think, has had a teacher that changes the course that we were heading.  Those teachers may not have been the top of the evaluation charts but they made our lives better.  Sometimes we forget that kids have a lot to face on a daily basis and many challenges to overcome.  They live with their inner voice telling them that they aren’t as good, that they aren’t very smart, that they are incapable socially or scholastically.  Whatever the inner voice is saying, there are times in which someone can make a difference for them because they see them for the brilliance that is in them.  Teachers like that, appreciate what makes kids special even when others are too busy to see it.

As a mom there have been times when I send my child out the door and get on my knees for them.  I pray that they will be watched over and looked out for.  I pray that the hardships that I have been made aware of will diminish because someone will be insightful enough to save them.  And my prayers have been answered.  Most often it has been a teacher.  I am not sure if teachers realize that they have the potential to save children from the chaos of the world.  Currently one of my children has a teacher that allows this child to be exactly who they are.  And because of that it has made me think back.

My elementary school years were interesting because there was a lot I was dealing with and I am unable to explain all of it but I wanted to share a piece.  Kindergarten through 2^nd grade I was partially deaf and couldn’t see really well.  My parents wanted my mind to have all that school had to offer so they put me into a French immersion program.  I’m sure that they thought and saw my potential and knew I could do it, but my hearing issues and sight problems hadn’t been made aware to them yet.  It wasn’t until I was in 2^nd grade when my mom sat down to chat with me and I told her it was difficult to hear the teacher when she turned and faced the chalk board.  Upon further investigating I told her it was difficult to hear because I couldn’t see her lips.  My mom was initially confused… Why would seeing her lips make it hard to hear?... and then it all clicked.  I was taken to the doctor and a while later had an operation that would give me the ability to hear.  In that same conversation I expressed the difficulty to see both up close and far way.  So yes, I was both near sighted and far sighted so bifocals, at the young age of 7, would become my friend.

How I had made it this far still baffles my mind.  I had decided that I was stupid and now I was also a dork.  This combination was a sad reality.  I was way behind the others in my class and I was doing the best I could but the dots were not connecting in my brain.  2 years later my parents decided that it was time to take me out of French immersion.  But in my mind I had resolved that it was too late, I was a lost cause.  And then I was transferred into Mrs. Turner’s class.  She was a tall black lady who could be viewed to some as intimidating.  She was a no nonsense kind of teacher but I knew what her expectations were and I feared that I would fall short.  She however, didn’t let that inner voice that I had gotten so used to, take over.  She saw my potential.  She had confidence in me and I knew that she loved me… and I loved her.  Thinking back on it now brings tears to my eyes.  That was my most successful year; not because I had the best grades of the class, not because I skyrocketed in expanding my mind to the wonders of learning but because it was the year that I had a teacher that believed in me and saw me for who I was.  Because of this I began to grow with in me the self confidence that I needed.  It was because of Mrs. Turner that I learned to never give up.  I learned that hard work feels good.  I don’t know if Mrs. Turner is still around.  I don’t know if she was ever given any awards or praise for the teacher she was but I wish I could let her or her children, see into my life a little so she or they would know that she has not only changed my course but generations.  I will pay it forward with my children and hopefully they too will with theirs.  Thank you Mrs. Turner of Wes Hosford Elementary School in Sherwood Park Canada!

This post is a bit different than my other posts...

While learning right and wrong little children amaze me with there ability to piece the puzzles of life together.  They aren't bound by the same red tape that we are as adults and I sometimes feel like they don't get credit for there individual ability to problem solve when it comes to social settings.  If a child states their feelings about a topic and another disagrees they can still be the best of friends even though.  But when parents try to "fix" issues it, at times, can cause bigger problems when the solution could have been much more simple.  I have seen it again and again.  Our job is more of a guide to help them have confidence in their own choice.  That way they gain the power to discern.  

Now, I don't have a degree so I know that by writing this I may be subject to criticism but my feelings are overwhelming at this time in my life.  I am so sad; so sad because the world is full of much confusion.  Because of this confusion it causes contention and much anger.  With the entire world constantly changing in different directions the only comfort I find is that my God is consistent.  That consistency brings peace to my heart and a love that I can’t describe. 

This leads to the fact that I love people.  People studies, is something I find interesting.  Trying to see the perspective of others is a puzzle piecing game that I find challenging, frustrating, and insightful.  Perspectives are never wrong. The way people see things is what they truly believe.  From these perspectives choices are made.  Some I agree with and some I don’t.  Those choices don’t define my love for the individual but I have been born with judgment.   Judgment is very different than being judgmental.  I have to have judgment to make choices; what I wear, what I choose to eat, and how I decide to live my life are just a few examples.  Everyone does it.  Being judgmental would be finding myself better than others.  I don’t feel that way.  I feel like life is hard.  I enjoy life but making judgment every day is difficult, so others choices aren’t concerning to me (except for my kids;-).

Because of these perspectives I found it difficult to wrap my brain around the constantly revolving battle with same sex marriage.  I love people and I want them to be happy but I can’t ignore the fact that I love my God more.  I know that there are many arguments that could come from this statement and that is not why I write this.  I write this to give others a perspective that I hold higher than anything else.  When I watch the TV and I see both sides battling each other it makes me sad to see.  I don’t want to cause more contention but I also can’t stay silent.  My God has never changed.  My God has stayed constant.  My God created a sacred opportunity to be married man and wife.  That has never changed from the beginning of time. 

Do I have people in my life that are fighting for this liberty? Yes, and I love them.  I love them for who they are.  I love them for the joy they bring to my life.  But I don’t have to love the choice.  Because I love my God I feel the need to protect what He and I hold as sacred.  I am sorry if this brings to you anger because anger is not the way I wrote this.  I wrote this with love because I truly do love people.  This is simply a perspective…

Hold them close

What a sad day.  My heart is breaking for the families that have lost their sweet babies in Newtown Connecticut.  What a tragic loss of innocence in this world.  Those sweet faces that we have so much to learn from; those sweet faces that see the good in the world; those sweet faces that were taken away because of insanity.  May we all take the time to hold our children a little tighter today with gratitude in our hearts.  May we all get on our knees and pray for the broken hearts of Newtown that they may receive comfort and strength at such an awful time.  My love is great for them even though I don't know them; the parenting bond is great.

Warming my heart on a cold winter day

This morning we woke up to a little bit of snow. It's a little late in the year for snow but the excitement in my house was big!  All of the exciting things that come with snow was swirling through our house as conversations began. When I saw the snow however, it brought me back a few years to when I had the 2 boys and my little girl was just born.

My husband had gone on another business trip and in anticipation of the day I had to wake my crew up a little early. Doctor's appointments and errands to run was on the forefront of my brain. When the kids looked outside our window the excitement began.  Snow had come and they couldn't be happier. Once I looked out our window I realized this wasn't a little snowfall.  This was the biggest snowfall I had seen in a long time. Snow drifts were pressed against every door and wall of the house. Tears began to surface realizing what this meant... I was going to have to shovel the walk.  I didn't have time nor did I know how I was going to do this, get to the doctors appointment on time and take care of my little infant. I came up with a plan and getting the kids fed washed up and dressed I began to bundle us all up.  I guess my shower was going to have to wait... gross I know but I had to do what I had to do. We opened the door and saw my walkway and large drive way had already been shoveled! Shocked I began to look around to see one of our neighbor boys (probably about 12 years of age) walking back to his house shovel in hand. Now the tears really did begin to fall. What a special boy to go out of his way to show such kindness. He had no idea how that affected my day and the happy skip in my step that was created because of him.

There were 2 lessons I took from that moment: 1.I can learn much from the way other families teach their children and 2. I wanted my boys to be just like this young man; giving heart and not doing things for the recognition. Service in secret is the best kind of service:)

A lesson with a touch of humility...

So after I had my first girl, 2 years went by and we added our second little sweetheart.  She is a spunky handful that is always sensitive to the world around her.  She is now 8 and my husband and I decided to jump on the crazy train again and have another.  Yes... that would be an 8 1/2 year gap.  It seems odd to most that we chose to do this, but it couldn't have been more perfect.  This addition has brought so much love, excitement and genuine family care to each member I can't picture life with out this bundle of cuteness.

Well when we announced this sweet addition to our children, almost a year ago now, it was received with many mixed feelings.  Shock, disbelief, excitement, happiness and denial.  But our youngest was the one who had to slowly work through what this was going to mean.  She wasn't sure she was done with the title of being the "baby".  She wasn't sure she wanted the attention to go else where.  She wasn't sure about many things.  But deep down her excitement for what was upcoming slowly took over.  By the time our 3rd little girl arrived she was beaming with excitement and the challenge of being the big sister was welcomed.

Because she was now the big sister there was much she felt like she needed to do in helping out.  This "help" wasn't always easy for a mom to take.  From a mother's perspective she didn't always hold her right or burp her properly.  Sometimes when she would change the diaper it wasn't snug enough or maybe it was too tight at times.  Through a series of what I thought were "teaching moments" one day I told her how great she was with her little sister.  At this she let out a deep breath of relief; then with complete sincerity in her eyes she looked at me and said, "Thanks mom.  It's been a really long time since you complimented me".  Wow!  I was cracked over the head with a little humble pie.  She didn't mean it rude, I knew that.  She was saying it with so much gratitude.



Sometimes it is easy to be caught up in "teaching moments" we forget the "loving moments".  It is a work in progress, but I want so badly for those around me to feel the love I have for them and not the "teaching moments" that I feel they need.  With much love much more can be accomplished.

The Sweetness of a Moment...

I love the look on a child's face.  There are many.  But the gaze that gets me every time is when they are piecing things together.  The way a child works things through into their perspective amazes me.  Here is an example to explain what I mean...

When my husband and I decided to begin our family journey we didn't waste any time.  We had our first son a year and a half after we were married then 2 years later we had our next little guy.  My inexperience lacked the preparation for what 2 boys would bring but we love to relive the many stories that they have created through the years.  2 years later we had our first little girl.  This is where I began to see what was possible through the eyes of a child.  

At this point in our marriage my husband had a travelling job.  I was a little selfish and only saw how hard it was for me.  While I was in the midst of this "woe is me" moment I took myself and the three children to church.  Of course we got there late and I was exhausted.  As we gathered ourselves outside the chapel I finely had a moment to sit when my littlest boy came up to me and asked me to help him get a drink out of the water fountain.  "Really..." I thought, "I just sat down!"  I selfishly told him he was going to have to wait.  I watched those sad eyes work through what I had just said.  He turned to his brother and found comfort as my older son told him he could help.  I watched as they walked over to the fountain together.  It was at this moment that my oldest son got down on his hands and knees.  My other son stepped up on his back now able to quench his thirst.  He stepped down from the fountain and then got on his hands an knees; my oldest son then stepped up to get a drink himself.

What a lesson I learned that day.  If we could all take the time to see when we need to give someone a boost we would all benefit from that service.   Children have a way of seeing things differently than adults and sometimes we don't give them the credit that we should.  The sweetness of that moment I will treasure always.